(Maggie with Grandma at the hospital right after we gave Grandma her Christmas gift - a blanket from Kelly and I that I had made with pictures of all the great grandkids. She loved it.)
On January 5th I lost one of the greatest people I have known. Grandma Margaret, "Maggie" as everyone knew her, has been one of my best friends and biggest influences in my life. For a year I got to spend a few days each week with her - going to Maggie's dance classes, taking the kids for a walk to see the ducks, and just spending time together. There were many many good days together - and some rough ones too. Every time she would overcome one obstacle another one would pop up. Towards the last few months, we knew she was not always understanding or remembering things - but those moments where everything was crystal clear were so precious. She LOVED Maggie and Charlie. She and Charlie really connected - I think because he couldn't talk and she couldn't hear much, they were a perfect pair. ;)In early Dec. she suffered a small stroke. That stroke scared us all, but she amazed us at her crazy ability to surprise everyone yet again and recover well. The day before we were supposed to take her back home to mom's (after two weeks in rehab) she had a setback. It was heartbreaking - the special bed had been set up in her room, I had spent a few hours disinfecting her room and bathroom to make it ready for her, and we were looking forward to having her home with mom for the holidays. She rallied a few times after setbacks after that and surprised us all by not only making it through the holidays but past the new year. She was never able to make it home to mom's again. Aunt Sharon came down from Alaska and Uncle Tim spent a lot of time helping out too - they were so great to mom. I wasn't able to be the support to mom that I would have liked to be - I was (and still am) having a very hard time with the thought of loosing her.
Twice I was told that "This is it" on my visits, and it was devastating to me. Of course though, in true Grandma fashion, she had it her own way. My last visit with her was not sad or even one that I thought would be the last. We stopped by after dance class - Maggie danced and sang for everyone and Grandma was laughing and smiling. She gave Charlie kisses and hugs for us all. We left when she wanted to use the bathroom and I told her I would be back that night. Before I could come back mom called and said I wasn't to visit anymore. Grandma's antibiotics were gone and she was in pain. She knew it was the end and didn't want me to see her. Hardest few days of my life - knowing she was still with us but not being able to be with her. I wanted to respect her wishes, but I will always cry over the fact that I couldn't be there with her in the end.
I know she was surrounded by her children that loved her and my Grandpa was waiting for her in heaven - but I will always be selfish in wanting more time. She had 91 years here and was amazing - and I am so thankful to have been so close with her. My children LOVED her and were lucky to have her in their lives. Maggie asks every day about Grandma Margaret. She will cry and say she misses her, and occasionally if she is ever up past bedtime when it's dark she will say that she sees Grandma Margaret up in heaven and point out the star that is her.
I think as we grow older we realize a lot about ourselves. We find that we are have talents and flaws, opinions and scars, and truths about our character come to light. I have realized I do not do well with death. It is very hard for me to come to grips with some one's passing. Grandpa has been gone for 14 years and it's just been in the last 2 that I don't cry every time I think/talk about him. So, knowing that, everyone will have to bare with me for the next 12-14 years and I try to heal from and accept loosing my beloved Grandma.
1 comment:
I am sure she is so proud of you - the woman you are and the mom to her precious grandkids. Their "angel grandma" will always be watching them for sure.
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